Training for Life (Without Actually Exercising)
Someone recently told me about an accident an acquaintance of theirs had suffered—a fall that resulted in a broken wrist. “The worst part,” the person said, “it was the hand he wipes with.”
My response: “Good lord!”
Then came the thoughts…
Is this the result of not doing “old people exercises,” where being able to use the bathroom becomes something we actually have to train for?
I tried chair yoga once. It made me feel guilty every time I sat in that kitchen chair. No more.
I began to think of ways I could train for life without doing anything exceptional like chair—or even goat—yoga.
There are nine steps to climb from the parking lot to my favorite pizzeria. The next time I order carryout pizza, I will climb those steps using my weak leg first. If that’s too much, I’ll do it on every other step.
“Is she doing the macarena into the restaurant?”
“I’m happy about my slice,” I’ll say.
Who knows—someday maybe both my legs will be capable of the same things.
Tomorrow morning, when I get ready for work, I will brush my hair with my opposite arm. My frozen shoulder will probably clear up on its own, and I can stop thinking about surgery.
As I continued to ponder my physical plight, the riddle of the ache in the sides of my neck solved itself. I did not say cured.
I hadn’t driven my car in over a month when it was time to make the hour drive into the big city for a 4 p.m. doctor’s appointment. That’s rush hour.
Neck muscles used for driving don’t stay tuned up if you don’t drive. That’s the lesson here.
A new daily “whenever a commercial comes on” sofa-chair exercise surfaced for me: crane my head and pretend to merge. This replaces my previous commercial-break exercise of lifting both legs straight and bending from the torso into a pike position, grabbing the backs of my calves—think Greg Louganis’s three-meter springboard dive, and you’ll get the idea.
It’s not just the muscles on the sides of my neck that pose a threat to my physical well-being. Last fall, at an airshow, I pulled a muscle in my ribs trying to look up.
If someone had told me, “You should exercise your neck for the airshow,” I would have laughed it off. Yet the rib pain from the awkward backward arching of my torso was real.
Next weekend, when I bake banana bread, before adding each ingredient, I will do two or maybe three standing pushups against the kitchen countertop. This will help offset the calories I will be ingesting when the bread cools.
Recently, an infomercial appeared on my phone—because we all know our phones listen to us—where an exercise guru revealed how the body essentially rots if relegated to a sitting position for long periods of time.
Her videos showed elderly women in leotards practicing a stretching movement, as if something on a high shelf required them to go up on tiptoe and reach.
I should do that, I thought—instead of using the barbecue tongs to tease the paper towel rolls off the top shelf in the pantry. When I do it, I’ll use my weaker arm too. That’s my plan.
My adorable younger sister shared that her personal trainer said standing up straight and having good posture is not a “back thing”—it’s because of glutes.
“Just squeeze them,” she said.
Could I do that? Could I possibly concentrate on my backside for a whole quarter mile on my walk with the dog?
Maybe I’ll just do two or three squeezes at each mailbox Daisy visits.
I don’t want to hurt myself after all.
I’m Lauren—a writer, educator, and novelty quilter with over 30 years of experience in service and sales. I’ve taught high school English, worked as a journalist, and now run Artisan Shop USA, a marketplace supporting handmade artistry and the sharing of faith, family, and country. I’m also a wife, mom, and lifelong lover of storytelling.
